OFFICIAL JOKES THREAD

[Flappy Joe]

I don't know why this thread wasn't created earlier, even though there probably is what but whatever.

'How do 5 gay people walk?'
In One Direction



'People said I'd never get over my obsession with Phil Collins. But take a look at me now.'

[Jah]

Oh, nice! :)

Anyway, my computer keeps playing "Someone Like You" over and over again, its probably because its a dell.

[Flappy Joe]

Hahahaha

[Sspanky]

heres a few i like :p

Apart from Humans, the only animal that enjoys having sex is a Dolphin.

I had to shag a LOT of animals to find that out

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My new girlfriend just said, "After an orgasm, I like to kiss and cuddle, then fall asleep in each others arms. What about you?"

I said, "I usually delete my browsing history and throw the tissues away."

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Went to the Barbers and asked for a Liverpool FC haircut. Mess at the back, nothing on the sides and nothing up front. He charged me £130 million.

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Thats it for now hehe

[Sspanky]

Well Im bored so feel like posting a few jokes :)

Here goes -


I had the best valentines day ever. I had sex with the most gorgeous fit blonde I have ever seen.

Being the mortuary assistant in Pretoria has its perks.

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What's the difference between a woman and a goat?

Quite a lot according to the law.

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Roses are red,
Violets are glorious,
Don't try to surprise
Oscar Pistorius.

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New evidence has been found outside the Pistorius home that completely acquits him of his girlfriend's murder.

Footprints.

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Atheism and Religion are but two sides of the same coin.

One prefers to use its head, while the other relies on tales.

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I can't believe our 4 year old son is already looking at porn online!

I said to my wife when she checked the internet history.

Made me giggle anyway :)

[Atheist]

Yo mama's SOOOOO fat when she passed infront of the TV I missed 3 episodes!

Yo mama's SOOOOOOO ugly, yo grandma had to be drunk every time she breast fed her!

Yo mama's SOOOOOOOOOOO dumb she thinks a quarterback is a type of refund!

Atheist.

[inco33]

What do you call one black man on the moon?
A Problem
What do you call 100 black men on the moon?
A Bigger Problem
What do you call all the black men on the moon?
Problem Solved

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Wanna hear a dirty joke?
Kid falls in mud
Wanna hear a clean joke?
Kid takes a bath with bubbles
Wanna hear another dirty joke?
Bubbles is the girl next door ;)

[HolmaN]

Sspanky don't stop haha

[Gordo]

There was a blonde, a redhead, and a brunette. They all were going to heaven. There were 100 steps to heave. God said that on each step he will tell a joke and if they laugh they will go to hell. The brunette laughed on the 36th step. The redhead laughed on the 79th step and the blond laughed on the 99th step, before God told his joke. God asked why did you laugh before I told my joke, the blonde said I just got the 1st one.
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A man came home from work one day to find his wife on the front porch with her bags packed.
'Just where the heck do you think you're going!', said the man.
'I'm going to Las Vegas', said the wife, 'I just found out I can get $400 a night for what I give you for free!
'The man said, 'Wait a minute!', and then ran inside the house only to come back a few minutes later with his suitcases in hand.
'Where the heck are you going?', said the wife.
The man said, 'I want to see how you're gonna live on $800 a year!'

[Sspanky]

So the Pope has resigned due to 'advanced age'.

Well put.

We do live in an age that's too advanced for Popes.

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I was walking along the high street today when a young girl approached me with a clipboard and said, "Just two quick questions sir, if you don't mind?"

I paused for a moment and said, "Alright, how old are you and what is your name?"

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I'm struggling to find any of my usual porn.

Now when I google "fucked African amputee" all I get is stories about Oscar Pistorius.

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Iain Duncan Smith: 'Shelf stacking as important as degrees.'

Perhaps NASA will now overlook extensive knowledge of quantum and particle physics, in favour of my c.v which boasts 15 years arranging baked beans on aisle 8.

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My wife needs a fucking good slap.

But I'm enjoying watching her choke on the bread roll too much to be honest..

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Women are like wallpaper.

If you give them a good pasting at the start, you won't have any trouble in future.



Hehe

[Stusse]

"How do you save a nigger from drowning?"
-Uhm I dont know
"Good".

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"What's the difference between a nigger and a basketball?"
-You can't kick the basketball.

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[Fuzzy]

whats the differnce between a nigger and a bucket full of shit ?
the bucket.

how many niggers does it take the pave ur driveway?
it depends on how thin u can slice them.

what do you call 1000 niggers jumping out of an air plane?
cheap asphalt.

how do you keep a nigger out of your front yard ?
hang one in the back.

ok enough of the black jokes

how do you drown a blonde?
put a scratch and sniff sticker at the bottom of the pool.

why does a blond always smile when lighting strikes ?
because they think they are getting their picture taken.

i got more but im too lazy to type them

[Jah]

Jew mad? I did Nazi that!

[Sspanky]

Jew mad? I did Nazi that!
Haha liked that one xD


I was telling my mate how I'm reading a book on the Hokey Cokey.

He said, "Is that the one about putting your left arm in, your left arm out, in, out, in, out, and you shake it all about. You do the Hokey Cokey and you turn around?"

I said, "Yeah, that's what it's all about".

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How come my wife finds it cute and funny when our dog stands there shagging his toy teddy bear then wanders around with a hard on, yet my browsing history is an issue?

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Oscar Pistorius has said he won't be entering any further races.

I think he has to worry more about different races entering him, once he's in prison.

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Only half the people who visit my surgery survive.


I'm a damn good abortionist.

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Nicki Minaj, Justin Bieber and One Direction walk into a bar.

There's no punchline because ruining music isn't funny.

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[Beo]

It was a cold morning and I put my hands down the back of my wife's jeans.

'Your arse is just like an iceberg'

'It's not that cold' said my wife

'No, but it could sink the Titanic'

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At a job interview.

"What would you say was your greatest weakness?"

"Honesty."

"I don't think honesty is a weakness."

"I don't give a fuck what you think."

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Some guy knocked on my door today and said, "I have a parcel for your next door neighbour."

I said, "You've got the wrong house then mate."
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If women weren't meant to be sluts, Eve wouldn't have fucked the first guy she met.
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"UK Students Die In Safari Crash"

I bet they wished they'd just stuck with Internet Explorer now.

[Sspanky]

haha some good ones there :p
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It's so awkward when you shout out someone else's hand during masturbation
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Yo know you are desperate when you start lying to your friends that you have AIDS just so they think you have a sex life.
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I'm running a 3K race tomorrow to raise awareness of the Klan.

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My wife complained that I read far too much into her most innocent comments.

I think she was trying to tell me she's having an affair.

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My wife asked me if I respect her.

I said, "of course I do you stupid cunt."

[Sspanky]

Few more

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I still remember the day the scented candle shop I worked at burned to the ground.

Everyone was so calm.....

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Fingering my missus, is like trying to retrieve a pound coin from inside an old leather sofa.

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"If you'd had a tin of shoe polish, you could have blackened her up and got away with it," I said to Oscar Pistorius, laughing.

Then I realised that was in bad taste. Why would he have a tin of shoe polish?

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At a job interview.

"What would you say was your greatest weakness?"

"Honesty."

"I don't think honesty is a weakness."

"I don't give a fuck what you think."

[Sspanky]

Hope some more people start posting xD

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A guy walks into a bar and starts pretending to shoot arrows to a few girls. One of those girls smiles and gets closer to talk: "Hey, I saw that you threw me an arrow." *wink*

"Yes, I guess I did."

"Who are you?", she asks. "Cupid throwing love arrows?"

"No, I'm Legolas killing orcs!"

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Have you ever noticed how the Africans have the cleanest, whitest teeth?

It's almost like they've never had to use them.

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My wife and I view sex differently.

For instance, I view it on the Internet.

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I'm a morbidly obese quadruple amputee.

That's how I roll.

[dinmamma]

So a sadist, a masochist, a murderer, a necrophile, a zoophile and a pyromaniac were all sitting on a bench in a mental institution, bored out of their minds.


How about having SEX with a cat? - asked the zoophile.

Let's have sex with the cat and then TORTURE it - says the sadist.

Let's have sex with the cat, torture it and then KILL it - shouted the murderer.

Let's have sex with the cat, torture it, kill it and then have SEX with it AGAIN - said the necrophile.

Let's have sex with the cat, torture it, kill it, have sex with it again and then BURN it - said the pyromaniac.

After a while of silence... the masochist says:

"Meow"

[Sspanky]

haha that was a good one :p

[Zythox]

How many people live in Ethiopia..?


Depends on the wind

[Bushu]

Vodka classification in IT world:

0.1 l - demo
0.25 l - trial version
0.5 l - personal edition
0.7 l - professional edition
1.0 l - network edition
3 l - for small business
5 l - corporate edition
bucket* - home edition
"klin" - Service pack
broth - Recovery tool
appetizer - plugins
hooch - shareware
inventions (like autowidol, denaturat) - open source
methyl alcohol - scrensaver (black windows)
puke - stacks overflow
a girl after 0.7 is chmod 777
police officer knocking on the door - kernel panic
alcoholic - registered user
making wine at home - Software development kit
blackout - Memory Test Failed


*we call typically smoking weed a 'bucket':
http://www.haszysz.com/faje/wiadro1.jpg






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The Rabbit is walking in the forest and yells: 'I fucked the lioness! I fucked the lioness!'
He meeted the wolf and wolf said: 'Shut the fuck up moron, you want the lion to hear it? No one will believe it anyway.'
The Rabbit shrugged and kept walking and yelling: 'I fucked the lioness! I fucked the lioness!'
He meeted the bear and the bear said: 'Shut the fuck up moron! If the wolf will hear it we'll be all screwed up! And nobody will believe it anyway!'
The Rabbit shrugged and kept walking and yelling: 'I fucked the lioness! I fucked the lioness!'
Suddenly, he noticed the Lion. The lion was really angry and rushed on rabbit, and the rabbit started to run. He was chasing the Rabbit until the Rabbit jumped into an old hollow stump. The lion jumped after him and got stuck in there. He got stuck so much that the only part of his body outside was his ass. The Rabbit get out, looked around, unzipped fly and said to himself: 'Nobody will fucking believe this!'

[Freakshow]

How many people live in Ethiopia..?


Depends on the wind



Hahaha that made my morning,

To the rest keep it up!

[RoxZin xD]

What's the difference between pollution and solution?

Pollution is a nigger drowning.
Solution is all of them.


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How do you recognize three niggers?
Throw all of them up, the one who flies is a vulture, the one who hangs on something is a monkey and the one that falls is shit.

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There's a Russian redhead, an American brunette and a Brazilian blonde on a TV show.

The host asks: "hey redhead, what did your country do for the humanity?"
Then she answers: "we invented the vaccines"
Then the host says "yeah it's true, it's a great thing to be honest, but let's check the brunette, what did your country do for the humanity?"
Then the brunette answers: "we were the first ones to step on the moon"
Once again the host agrees and then turns himself to the blonde, and he asks the same thing.
She replies with "we're going to be the first ones to step on the sun!"
Everyone laughs, of course, and then the host says "how the hell are you going to step on the sun, it will burn you while you're too far away from it!"

And then she says:
"We're going at night, you stupid."

[Grizzly]

What's better than winning the special Olympics?







Not being retarded

[Hawk]

How many people live in Ethiopia..?


Depends on the wind

I thought there were 80kg of them.. :/

[fxtrok]

What happened to the nigger when he looked up his family tree?
A gorilla shit on his face.

[Zythox]

How does a ethiopian climb in a tree.....?

......by the ribs of his brother

[icaro43]

what's the difference between a nigga and a bucket of shit?

the bucket.

[Sspanky]

My 3 year old daughter walked up to my wife and said, "Can I ride on you?"

My wife said, "Ok. I'll get on my hands and knees and you can jump on."

"I wish you'd say that to me," I said with a wink.

"Oi, Cheeky," my wife giggled.

"I wasn't talking to you," I replied.

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I always fantasised about our science teacher giving me detention, and then walking in wearing sexy lingerie and fucking me in the classroom.

But after he did it, I realised I was probably straight.

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My wife said, "Living with you is like living with a 2 year-old."

I just stood there and shit my pants.

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Home Alone 10.

The parents finally go to prison for child neglect.

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Lisa has 750 friends on Facebook. A week later she adds 150 more to her friends list. What does she have?

Huge tits.

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Angelina Jolie said, "I lost my mum to cancer, my kids won't."

That's because 'your' kids lost their mums to you

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And my personal favorite............

If your phone gets wet, leave it overnight in a bag of rice.

It'll attract an Asian, who will fix it because they're good with electronics

[Shooter]

I know yo momma jokes are old but

Yo momma so old....

She sat next to Jesus in class