☺ Funny Stories ☺

[Xeno Scripts]

Son: Dad, I've fucked grandma
Dad: Your stupid fuck, you can't fuck your grandmother!
Son: If you can fuck my mom I can fuck yours!

---

"Moooooom! I've got some good news!! :D"
"Did you pass the mathtest?!"
"I said I had some good news, no fucking miracle."

---

I called to the police..

Me: "Hello"
Police: "Hey, what's happening?"
Me: "Two girls are fighting against me!"
Police: "And why is that a problem?"
Me: The ugly one is about to win."


---

It was a blonde girl who came home to her husband and she said:
Blonde: Today I got 10 bucks from a man if I climbed up the tree.
Man: Are you stupid or what? He just wanted to see your panties.
Blonde: Well??..

The next day, the blonde said:

Blonde: Today I got an ice cream by the same man as yesterday if I climed up to that tree again!
Man: But he just wanted to see your panties again.
Blonde: Haha! I fooled him, because I did not have any.

---

Daughter walks to his dad and says:

Daughter 1: I'm lesbian.
Dad: Oh, okay.

A few months later here sister comes to his dad and says:

Daughter 2: I'm lesbian too.
Dad: FOR FUCK SAKE, IS THERE NONE IN THIS FAMILY THAT LOVES COOK?
Son: Yea, I do!



Feel free to post your funny stories :D

[Royaliti]

Bob is walking down a country road when he spots Farmer Harris standing in the middle of a huge field of corn doing absolutely nothing. Bob, curious to find out what's happening, walks all the way out to the farmer and asks him, 'Excuse me Farmer Harris, could you tell me what you are you doing?'

'I'm trying to win a Nobel Prize, 'the farmer replies.

'A Nobel Prize?' enquires Bob, puzzled. 'How?'

'Well, I heard they give the Nobel Prize to people who are out standing in their field.'

[HolmaN]

"The Pirate" - In a few simple steps.
1. Get a blowjob.
2. While being on the way of cumming, pretend to cum, she'll close her eyes.
3. Spit in her face, she'll belive it's cum.
4. She'll open her eyes, and that's when you'll cum for real. Do it in one of her eyes.
5. Right after cumming in her eye, kick her on the front-lower part of her leg.

This will make her stand up, jumping on one leg while holding a hand over her eye.
Epic shit.

[Sspanky]

Announcement over the public address system on a train:

"Good afternoon, this is your ticket inspector speaking. In approximately half an hour, I will be coming to inspect your tickets. I would like to ask all the ladies on board to begin their search NOW."

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I was shagging this German girl last night. She didn't speak much English, but I think she wanted me to try out some more adventurous positions.

I mean I've heard of a sixty-nine, but what sort of position is a nine nine nine nine nine?

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How about this for a coincidence during my last two holidays in Thailand.

Last year pulled a bird, but it was the wrong time of the month. She felt so bad for me and she let me do it up the shitter. Even when her period lasted longer than usual, she let me do it until my holiday ended.

This year, back to Thailand, different girl but guess what...

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~


I was text cheating on my wife and I accidentally sent one of the messages to her.

Took me some explaining on how I couldn't wait to suck her cock.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~

New Year's resolution- Date more models.

Revised- Date more.

Revised again- Get a date.

Revised one last time- Stop crying whilst masturbating.

[Gonza]

Don't know if it's that funny, but it made me laugh.

A large, powerfully-built guy named Raymond meets a woman named Polly at a bar. After a number of drinks, they agree to go back to his place. As they are making out in the bedroom, Raymond stands up and starts to undress. After he takes his shirt off, Raymond flexes his muscular arms and says, “See that, baby? That’s 1000 pounds of dynamite!” Polly begins to drool. Raymond then drops his pants, strikes a bodybuilder’s pose, and says, referring to his bulging thighs, “See those, baby? That’s 1000 pounds of dynamite!” Polly is just aching for action at this point. Finally, Raymond drops his underpants, and after a quick glance, Polly grabs her purse and runs screaming to the front door. Raymond catches her before she is able to leave and asks, “Why are you in such a hurry to go?” Polly then replies, “With 2000 pounds of dynamite and such a short fuse, I was afraid you were about to blow!”

[Flappy Joe]

Daughter 1: Dad, I'm a Lesbian
Dad: That's ok
Daughter 2: I'm a Lesbian too, Dad
Dad: DOES ANYONE IN THIS HOUSE LIKE GUYS??
Son: I do

[Moses]

Announcement over the public address system on a train:

"Good afternoon, this is your ticket inspector speaking. In approximately half an hour, I will be coming to inspect your tickets. I would like to ask all the ladies on board to begin their search NOW."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


I was shagging this German girl last night. She didn't speak much English, but I think she wanted me to try out some more adventurous positions.

I mean I've heard of a sixty-nine, but what sort of position is a nine nine nine nine nine?

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


How about this for a coincidence during my last two holidays in Thailand.

Last year pulled a bird, but it was the wrong time of the month. She felt so bad for me and she let me do it up the shitter. Even when her period lasted longer than usual, she let me do it until my holiday ended.

This year, back to Thailand, different girl but guess what...

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~


I was text cheating on my wife and I accidentally sent one of the messages to her.

Took me some explaining on how I couldn't wait to suck her cock.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~

New Year's resolution- Date more models.

Revised- Date more.

Revised again- Get a date.

Revised one last time- Stop crying whilst masturbating.



^all of these are pure gold jokes :) lolz

[Sspanky]

liked them eh? lol heres a few more then :)

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The Ku Klux Klan.

Worth joining just to find out the name of the brilliant washing powder they use
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


I'm now branching out from writing shit jokes to movie reviews....
Today I watched the film Limitless. Limitless stars Bradley Cooper as Eddie Morra. Morra the main protagonist takes a pill, a pill which quadruples his IQ, allows him to learn several languages and acquire an immensely greater comprehension of the world in which he lives......

Basically, some American fucker takes a pill, then he evolves into a European.

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I'm so successful with the ladies, a TV documentary has been made about my numerous conquests.

Although they didn't call it a documentary. They called it a "series of reconstructions"

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Peaches Geldof has over 120,000 people following her on Twitter.

She's a bit like Jesus. Relying on her Dad's fame, to get more followers.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~

I got home from the pub last night completely pissed but horny as a goat. There was a quick lecture from the wife about coming home drunk, but she eventually lay down on the bed and spread her legs.

After a few minutes, I could feel it starting to come.

"OK, Babe," I said, pulling out, "it's coming. Do you want it on the belly or on the face?"

"What? You come home all pissed up and now you want all this perverted stuff?"

"Come on, Babe," I said. "Belly or face?"

"Face," she said.

So that's where I vomited.

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Sadly, if my mother was never raped, I wouldn't be here...

In prison.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~


I went on a date this evening.

I said, "So, are you a vampire?"

"No," she said, with a puzzled look on her face.

I said, "So you can see your reflection and you still come out looking like that?"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

If my wife has got 6 oranges in one hand and 6 apples in the other hand, what has she got?

No chance of stopping an upper cut.

__________________________________________________ ___________________________________

Some of these jokes are mine but most are off a website I upload my jokes too haha

[Xeno Scripts]

Daughter 1: Dad, I'm a Lesbian
Dad: That's ok
Daughter 2: I'm a Lesbian too, Dad
Dad: DOES ANYONE IN THIS HOUSE LIKE GUYS??
Son: I do

Look first post :p


Daughter walks to his dad and says:

Daughter 1: I'm lesbian.
Dad: Oh, okay.

A few months later here sister comes to his dad and says:

Daughter 2: I'm lesbian too.
Dad: FOR FUCK SAKE, IS THERE NONE IN THIS FAMILY THAT LOVES COOK?
Son: Yea, I do!

[Flappy Joe]

Look first post :p


Daughter walks to his dad and says:

Daughter 1: I'm lesbian.
Dad: Oh, okay.

A few months later here sister comes to his dad and says:

Daughter 2: I'm lesbian too.
Dad: FOR FUCK SAKE, IS THERE NONE IN THIS FAMILY THAT LOVES COOK?
Son: Yea, I do!

oh, shh lol

YOU SPELT COCK WRONG

[Sspanky]

Some more :p

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My girlfriend reckons that a small penis shouldn't affect our sex life.

She may be right, but I'd prefer it if she didn't have one.
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My wife hates me going shopping with her 'cause I always put stuff we don't need in the trolley.

Last time it was two teenage school girls.
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Just been on bigbustycoons.com

Damn, those guys have really good bus companies.
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From my handwriting identification skills, I have carefully deduced that Santa is my secret Valentine every year.
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I hope my new book does well.

It's called "How to be concise and get straight to the point using the minimum of diminutive words necessary to convey your meaning as clearly as possible without overly long descriptions and explanations."
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I'm not saying black people are lazy.. Im just saying Asians, Europeans, Australians, South Americans, North Americans, Europeans and Eskimoes work much harder than everyone else.
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I'm so good women scream before I fuck them.

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Well i giggled at some of these, hope someone else does too xD